Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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