you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just had sex bonerless
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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