Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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