Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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