your thong is hanging out like whoa
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
