Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Randomize
