my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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