I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
