Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
