what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
