god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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