You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
