I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
