Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
