listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
