I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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