After last night, I could never be a politician.
I faked an abortion last night.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
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I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
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She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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