I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
