I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
