how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
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Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
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I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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