winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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