Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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