my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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