dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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