I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
