Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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