Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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