Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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