i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
please come you make the beer taste better
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
