Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
