1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
