Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
