I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm both gender and math confused
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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