The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize