oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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