Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Lo siento on account of my penis...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
