I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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