12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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