She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
