i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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