You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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