Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
This is my gift to your gina
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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