I accidentally had phone sex last night
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
