I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
