I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just found puke in my bra..
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
