There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
is that a dick in a sweater?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
