I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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