Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
