I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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