Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
