I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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