I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.