I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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