I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
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He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
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This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
And then my night got REAL pukey
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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