Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
