you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
time to smoke my breakfast
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
