OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
