OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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